stage: 6

Grieving someone who is still alive — the loss that begins long before dementia ends

Anticipatory grief — grieving someone who is still alive — is one of the least talked about and most common experiences for adult children of parents with dementia. It begins long before death, often at diagnosis, and intensifies as the person becomes less recognisable. It is not a sign of giving up or of loving the person less. It is a natural response to a series of losses: the loss of the relationship as it was, of shared memories, of the person's personality and recognition of you. Allowing yourself to grieve these losses while your parent is still alive is not disloyal. It is honest. Practical things that help include talking to someone who understands — a counsellor, a support group, or another adult child who has been through it. Writing things down, however briefly, can help process what is happening. Give yourself permission to feel relief, anger, sadness, and love, sometimes all in the same visit, without judging any of it.